Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bear attack, by Eleanor

Hello fan club, Eleanor here! I’d like you to meet my Snuffles bear. He came a little bigger than expected, but this gives me the perfect opportunity to teach some of you other babies out there how to survive a bear attack, stuffed or otherwise.

So let’s get right to it. Keep in mind that bears can smell fear… and many other things, like dirty diapers. So it’s very important to keep calm and sweet-smelling. And if that’s not possible I recommend Pampers Pepper-boomTM diapers for newborns.* While not a favorite among parents, the powerful spray of eye-burning pepper released when these diapers are bitten has saved lives.

When attacked by a bear, the first thing to do is protect your precious baby eyes, particularly in the event of a butt-bite.

At this point, the bear may close in on your head, so I recommend periodically jabbing his nose with your fist to hold him at bay. Another good strategy would be to roll over and protect your soft underbelly. But since we’re such little babies we can’t do that yet.

If he fails to relent after several rounds of nose pounding, this would be a good time to throw up your hands and scream like a girl (don’t worry boys, I won’t tell anyone).

Please keep in mind these are only demonstrations – Snuffles and I are really good friends. And if he does act up, I can always pull out a little baby jujitsu on him – so long as I’m propped up like this.

Well that’s all for now!  Stay tuned for more practical defense techniques; I’m thinking we’ll cover rabid raccoons and chipmunks next, or perhaps the fiercest predator of all – the toddler sibling.

* If these diapers are unavailable near you, I’m told that eating lots of peppery foods has similar results.

1 comment :

  1. This post made me laugh so hard! Eleanor, thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with all of us. The photo examples are so helpful! :)